How To Waste $14.99

Good evening, blog reader. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find a way to spend fourteen dollars and ninety-nine cents in a way that is more senseless than buying Mission: Impossible III. Many have failed in this attempt and it will be a true miracle if you succeed.

Many of the unfortunate few who chose to flush, er, pay to see M:i:III in the theaters have said that it was the best of the trilogy. And I'm tempted to believe them. I loved the intrigue of Brian De Palma's original Mission: Impossible, and John Woo's stylization made M:I-2 a joy ride I'll glady take again and again. Two successes in my book that would have normally had me drooling in anticipation for the third installment. But even though the DVD is out today, it will still be a long time before I ever see J.J. Abrams' spin on the franchise.

Let's face it. Tom Cruise has turned into a total whack job. The whole TomKat romance started just as War of the Worlds and Batman Begins were building publicity steam. Coincidence? Possibly, but I don't personally believe it. Then Tom jumped on Oprah's couch. Katie converted to Scientology. Tom publicly ripped on Brooke Shields for medically treating her postpartum depression. And then there was Baby Suri that nobody saw for months (I'm convinced they spent that time finding a baby to rent for that photo shoot). The string of events surrounding Tom Cruise in the past year and a half is just so freakishly bizarre that even Tom's own employer fired him to gain some distance from his weirdness. Paramount/Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone actually held Tom's antics liable for M:i:III's poor showing at the box office.

I'm living proof of Redstone's claim, and I know I'm not the only one who boycotted the movie because Tom Cruise is a Fruit Loop. But I'm not stopping there. I intend to boycott the DVD as well, which will really put my principles to the test. I'm a huge home theater buff. I'd rather watch a movie in my wall-rattling surround sound setup than jockey for elbow room in a crowded theater any day. But the only time M:i:III will be disturbing my neighbors is if it's borrowed, downloaded, or on network TV. No way am I giving another dime to Tom or his Kat. Now I don't expect people to join me on my crazy crusades, but if you think Tom is nuts, speak with your wallets and don't give him your money. There are better things to spend it on. Like socks.

I believe this message has already self-destructed.

How To Waste $23.99

Whoever came up with the idea of selling complete seasons of TV shows on DVD was a marketing wizard. For the networks, it's a chance to generate extra revenue on shows that have already been produced. For the consumers, it's a chance to relive episodes of their favorite sitcoms and catch up on key chapters (or even full seasons) of hit dramas. If it weren't for season two of Lost on DVD, I don't know what I'd do with my Wednesday nights. It's a win-win.

Unless, of course, those consumers are the mindless nerfs who would be dumb enough to shell out twenty-four bucks plus shipping for season two of The Andy Milonakis Show. MTV has put out some truly crap programming over the years, but this one stands proudly at the top of the dung heap as an absolute waste.

Andy Milonakis is a 29 year-old man. Wouldn't know it from the picture, would ya? It's true. He has a congenital growth-hormone condition that makes him look and sound like the pre-adolescent kid he plays on his show. Now, I'll admit that the first episode of The Andy Milonakis Show I ever watched was actually pretty funny. Granted, I was probably pretty blitzed on Dr. Pepper and Meat Lover's pizza, but on nights like that, there's plenty of room for some adolescent humor. So I watched this "kid" walk up to random people on the streets of Brooklyn and say off-the-wall things like, "Oh, I love your hair! Can I have it?" His sketches were so bizarre, they were pretty hilarious. But the next week's episode was exactly the same shtick. And so was the next. I was convinced that this show was just a sub, my term for 30 cheap minutes whose sole purpose is to hold a time slot for a few weeks until the REAL series premiers.

Two seasons later, Andy is still yammering on like the bad date who JUST. WON'T. SHUT. UP.

So if you're really desperate to get a Milonakis fix, check out YouTube instead. Just don't blow it on these DVDs. If that twenty-four bucks is still burning a hole in your pocket, may I suggest some more useful ways to spend it:

• Send it to me.
• Use it as toilet paper.
• Invest in Enron.
• Bet it on the Tennessee Titans to win the Super Bowl this year.

Thank you.